Sometimes when I think of my friends from high school and college it is hard to think of them in the present – you know “all grown up” and with successful professional careers. I have friends who are doctors, lawyers, professors, investment bankers, psychologists and even prize winning economists. Imagine my chagrin when I reconnected with my friend from high school, Dr. Dae Sheridan, who is a professor of Human Sexuality, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Rehabilitation Counselor with a private consulting and psychotherapy practice. A Sexologist?! Who knew?
Dae definitely knows about making relationships work and keeping the sizzle alive. She is married to her high school sweetheart. They have been together 24 years (hello – NJ prom photos!) and married for almost 15 years! A recognized speaker and commentator on sexual and mental health issues, Dae regularly presents her research, facilitates psychoeducational seminars and participates as a featured expert for television, internet and other media outlets.
I read a lot of women’s blogs and magazines and been noticing a lot of posts on how negative body image can impact a woman’s sex life. I asked Dae for some perspective on how to handle this issue. She sent me a great blog post she did called GPS: Great Parental Sex. I think her advice for moms is great, but “Need a Detail?” is something moms and non-moms alike can remember:
“Need a Detail?
Pop-culture has made us obsessed with perfection. The perfect body, the perfect glowing skin, the perfect shiny, bouncy hair flowing in the wind as you twirl around in a field of wildflowers… I don’t know about you, but with two small kids, I can’t remember the last time I was wandering around anywhere BY MYSELF, never mind twirling about!
Images of photoshopped and re-touched “perfection” are everywhere and lead healthy, beautiful women to feel “less than”. That internalized pressure, stress and shame leads to irrational thoughts about our bodies. These issues with body image affect many facets of our lives. The bedroom is no different.
Not feeling sexy??? Well do something about it! NOW! You don’t need a makeover and you don’t need to shed those last few extra pounds in order to feel desirable and have great sex. You do, however have to change your thinking and a take a few steps in the right direction.
Remember getting ready for that big date? The anticipation… how energized and excited you were as you put on that lipstick? Go back to that place. Make some time for a little grooming and primping. Not for your partner, but FOR YOU! The action of getting ready as you once did prepares you emotionally for more than the average night in front of the TV. You’ll feel better about yourself because you are caring for yourself (a foreign concept for most moms, I know [ED: All of us!! – non moms, too]). Shave those legs, put on that lotion that you save for “special occasions”. A little make-up and some quality time with a blowdryer can work wonders on [your] self-esteem.
And finally, I’m going to tell you a little secret… if your partner initiates sex, it means THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! [ED: Bold is mine!]I am assuming that they are looking at you when they initiate sex and most likely they have seen you naked recently. Quiet those voices IN YOUR HEAD which tell you that you’re not sexy enough… that negative self-talk which makes you feel less confident. Your partner is telling you in no uncertain terms that you are sexually attractive and they want you… BELIEVE THEM, LET GO… AND HAVE SOME FUN!
So true! Take time to take care of yourself, make an effort to feel pretty for yourself and your partner and most importantly – stop the negative self talk. Moms especially should check out the full post at her website GPS: Great Parental Sex.
PS. For daily musings and tips on all things happy, healthy and sexy, follow Dae on Facebook @Dr Dae and Twitter @AskDrDae.
What do you do to feel good and stop the negative self-talk?